Originally posted on The News
Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym
Corrections and additions on 3/1/03 by: Dan Coogan http://www.cooganphoto.com
(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credit as per two
lines above is included - Thanks)
Episode 60 - The Junior Mint
pc: 421, season 4, episode 20
Broadcast date: March 18, 1993
Written by Andy Robin
Directed by Tom Cherones
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ........................ Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander ................... George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer
Guest Stars:
Susan Walters ...................... Mystery Woman / Mulva (Delores)
Sherman Howard ................ Roy
Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Doctor
==================================================================
[Opening monologue]
JERRY: You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And
you can't even *commit* adultery unless you
already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before
you can even think about committing it.
There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you
can commit the adultery. Then you can get
caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But
y'know some people actually *cheat* on the
people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a
hold up and then turning to the robber next to you
and goin' “Alright, gimme everything you have, too''.
[Jerry's apartment, Jerry's unloading groceries.]
GEORGE: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
JERRY: (flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very*
provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes.
Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
GEORGE: (laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?
JERRY: Tonight.
GEORGE: What's her name?
JERRY: I... don't... know...
GEORGE: How could you not know her name?
JERRY: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do
with a car, or a fish...
(Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black bananas on his
counter)
JERRY: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...
(Tosses the bananas back in the bowl and goes back to unpacking the
grocery bag.)
GEORGE: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the
State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was
going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty
cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
JERRY: Yeah, I did that too.
GEORGE: Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?
JERRY: Sure.
GEORGE: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I
completely forgot about it. The State Controller's
Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars.
1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!
JERRY: Wow!
GEORGE: Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without
doing anything...
JERRY: Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on
that principle.
GEORGE: Really? Who?
JERRY: Nobody you know...
GEORGE: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...
JERRY: Why don't you put it in the *bank*?
GEORGE: The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I
wanna make a big score!
JERRY: *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...
(Kramer Enters. Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves he picked
up for him at the grocery store.)
KRAMER: Yeah... All right....Ya got it, eh.
JERRY: Yes I did.
KRAMER: Yes.
GEORGE: What's with the gloves?
KRAMER: Well, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my
hands dirty...
GEORGE: Huh. What, the whole apartment?
KRAMER: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper.
I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's
gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry
[Snaps fingers]... Wood.
JERRY: Wood is good.
KRAMER: Definitely.
JERRY: So we’re still going to the health club to play racquetball
right?
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, whenever you’re ready.
JERRY: O.K., soon as Elaine gets here.
KRAMER: Yep.
[Kramer exits]
JERRY: What, you rented "Home Alone"?
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: I thought you saw that already...
GEORGE: No, I saw "Home Alone II".
JERRY: Oh, right... But you *hated* it!
GEORGE: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind
if I watch it here?
JERRY: What for?
GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing
anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the
house; I'm doing something.
JERRY: All right.. Go ahead.
[Intercom buzzes - Jerry walks over to answer it. George puts the tape
in the VCR.]
JERRY: Yeah?
ELAINE: (on the intercom) It’s me, are you ready to go?
JERRY: No. Come on up.
[Kramer enters wearing the gloves Jerry got him.]
KRAMER: I can't work with these!
JERRY: What's wrong?
KRAMER: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine
touch*...
JERRY: You said "gloves"...
KRAMER: No, no, these are too thick. (removes the gloves/tosses them on
the kitchen counter)
KRAMER: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?
GEORGE: Yeah. The *original*.
(Elaine Enters)
ELAINE: Hey Boys-O!
EVERYONE: (in unison) Heyyyyyyyy.
KRAMER: Hey, how’s it goin’?
ELAINE: Hello.
JERRY: (to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let’s get going.
(Kramer get up to leave, but)
ELAINE: Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.
JERRY: What?
ELAINE: eh, Remember Roy, the artist?
JERRY: Oh, the "triangle" guy.
ELAINE: Yeah, exactly, the "triangle" guy.
JERRY: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?
ELAINE: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don’t know
a little too...
JERRY: Artsy?
ELAINE: Fat.
JERRY: Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh)
ELAINE: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel
like should go visit him.
JERRY: What’s wrong with him?
ELAINE: Unh, something with his spleen. Anyway it’ll just take five
minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the
way.
KRAMER: Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)
JERRY: All right we’ll wait for you.
KRAMER: Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea.
[Kramer exits]
ELAINE: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you,
go into the room with me to visit him because
ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.
JERRY: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.
ELAINE: Well...
JERRY: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role
before to some critical acclaim.
ELAINE: Aha ha ha (laugh)
[Kramer enters, standing in the open doorway holding a sports bag]
KRAMER: All right, lets go.
JERRY: All right (picks up his sports bag)
KRAMER: Yep yep yep.
(Elaine notices George is staying behind)
ELAINE: What's with him?
JERRY: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
[EXTERIOR shot of the hospital with cars driving by -- then INTERIOR of
Roy’s hospital room. Roy is lying in bed,
resting. At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry enter -- finding the
“triangle” man's room]
ELAINE: Roy!
ROY: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*. (sitting up)
ELAINE: (gasp) Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognize you! You look so...
ROY: Yeah, ya know, I've lost some weight...
ELAINE: A *lot* of weight. (enthusiastically)
ROY: I know.
ELAINE: Aha hu, You look *terrific*.
ROY: Thank you. So do you.
ELAINE: Ah hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing)
(Elaine introduces Jerry “the boyfriend” to Roy)
ELAINE: Ah, This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.
ROY: Thank you.
(Since Elaine is preoccupied, thinking about Roy, Jerry takes it upon
himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.)
JERRY: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's
shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)
[While Roy, Elaine and Jerry are talking -- Kramer is out in the hallway
looking for some thinner gloves on a hospital
cart.]
HOSPITAL VOICEOVER: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Doctor Wittenberg,
Outside call.
(Kramer opens a door)
WOMAN: AHAaaaaaaaaa! (scream)
KRAMER: (a bit startled) Ahh.
(he takes a few steps down the hallway and sees another door to try).
HOSPITAL VOICEOVER: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.
KRAMER: Ah, the mother lode! (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it
open)
[George sits on the couch in the darkened apartment -- watching Home
Alone, and eating a bag of popcorn -- 6 seconds
of funny dramatic music from the movie play during the scene]
[Back in Roy's room, Elaine is sitting on the bed, close to Roy -- Jerry
sits in a chair in the corner]
ELAINE: I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't
even get my arms around you...
ROY: Yesss, I remember.
ELAINE: Ahahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you
get to lose weight.
ROY: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.
ELAINE: Me?
ROY: (quietly- yeah) After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I
couldn't eat for weeks.
ELAINE: *Get* *out*!
ROY: Really, it's the truth.
ELAINE: Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...
JERRY: That's terrible...
ELAINE: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.
(Jerry gets up and starts playing with a Yo-Yo)
ROY: You did.
JERRY: You know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the
Yo-Yo)
ELAINE: Now listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of
here?
ROY: Next Thursday.
ELAINE: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for
a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too*
thin...
[Jerry “the boyfriend” seems to have a problem with this -- and the two
exchange in a banter as they speak to each
other in super-polite, higher-pitched voices.]
JERRY: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?
ELAINE: No that's the week after.
JERRY: No, I believe it's next week.
ELAINE: You're wrong.
JERRY: No I'm not...
ELAINE: Shut up...
(Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.)
KRAMER: Pay dirt! (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind
himself as the door closes)
ELAINE: Uh Roy, this is uh Kramer -- he's one of our friends.
ROY: Oh, How do you do?
KRAMER: Yeah... I do great, yeah.
[Roy's doctor enters the room.]
DOCTOR: Hi Roy.
ROY: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.
JERRY: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the
Yo-Yo]
KRAMER: Heey.
JERRY: I *just* learned that. (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)
DOCTOR: A-hu. (The doctor is at a loss)
DOCTOR: I just wanted to stop by -- see if you had any questions about
tomorrow's operation.
KRAMER: Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um -- What do you
know about inter-abdominal retractors?
DOCTOR: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?
KRAMER: I sure am.
DOCTOR: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor
and I can assure you we do not use that
retractor in your friend's procedure.
KRAMER: But you *will* use... a retractor.
DOCTOR: We have to...
KRAMER: Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his
eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back
to the group.)
DOCTOR: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's
welfare. A few of my students will be
observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you
like to watch it with them?
KRAMER: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
JERRY: I dunno...
KRAMER: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna
cut him open -- His guts'll be all over the
place...
JERRY: Yeah, that's true...
KRAMER: ...They'll saw through bone. Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa
[makes saw noises while gesturing over
Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...
[Jerry's apartment. George is finishing watching the movie, music
playing -- he is crying]
GEORGE: Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.
[Jerry enters]
JERRY: Hey.
GEORGE: Hi...
JERRY: What are doing, you crying??
GEORGE: No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve)
JERRY: You crying from "Home Alone"??
GEORGE: The old man got to me.
JERRY: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be
friends with you anymore after this display.
GEORGE: Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the
tape back in it’s case.)
JERRY: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to
come home and start working on his floor.
GEORGE: Oh. How's the guy?
JERRY: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty
chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his
art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)
GEORGE: Hnh. That's nerve...
JERRY: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants.
(takes a sip of water)
GEORGE: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome." He falls
ill; she falls in love.
JERRY: You mean Florence Nightingale. **
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
GEORGE: What'd I say? Clara?
JERRY: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
GEORGE: Clara Barton? What did she do?
JERRY: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)
GEORGE: Susan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with.
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
JERRY: Yeah, I think you would.
GEORGE: So, you gonna buy his art?
JERRY: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars.
GEORGE: Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here.
Have fun with what's-her-name.
JERRY: I will.
GEORGE: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.
JERRY: No, it isn't. I can find out.
GEORGE: Yeah? How?
JERRY: There are ways.
[Later, the mystery woman and Jerry are sitting on the couch]
JERRY: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun
of my name like you wouldn't believe--
"Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and-hu "Seinsmelled"...
WOMAN: "Seinsmelled"?
JERRY: Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
WOMAN: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when
your name rhymes with a part of the
female anatomy?
(They both laugh, she leans in and kisses his ear and they hug. Jerry
looks confused. She leans back --)
WOMAN: (con’t) Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.
(They embrace and a couple of light kisses and a hug)
WOMAN: Oh, oh Jerry...
JERRY: Oh... *you*...
[Exterior shot of Monks Restaurant then inside to Jerry and George
sitting in the usual booth. Seems like it’s the next
day -- they're in the middle of a conversation when we join them.]
GEORGE: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...
JERRY: No.
GEORGE: Rest... Sest... Hest...
JERRY: "Hest"? That's not a name.
GEORGE: What, you should've just asked her.
JERRY: I know, I should've asked her.
GEORGE: What're you gonna do now?
JERRY: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her.
Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask
her her name.
GEORGE: Aretha! (points finger at Jerry)
JERRY: No...
GEORGE: Bovary! (points finger again at Jerry)
JERRY: Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee)
GEORGE: Alright, well you know what’cha gotta do, you gotta go through
her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards,
driver's license...
JERRY: How am I gonna do that?
GEORGE: When she goes to the bathroom.
[Kramer enters]
KRAMER: Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen,
will you guys go to the operation with me?
JERRY: You asked a date to go to the operation?
KRAMER: Yeah... So c'mon, (smacks hands and rubs them together) what
d'you say?
GEORGE: What kind of operation is it?
KRAMER: Spleenectomy.
GEORGE: Isn't that where they remove the--
KRAMER: No No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon,
what d'you say?
GEORGE: Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry -- Kramer watches the
exchange back and forth)
JERRY: Mulva? (waves off George with his hand)
KRAMER: C'mon, C’mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the
shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
JERRY: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll
watch ’em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)
[Exterior of the hospital then cut to the operating room where Jerry and
Kramer, dressed in green scrubs and head
cover, are seated in the front row of the viewing gallery directly
overlooking the table below. There's no glass in front
of them, so they can look right over the edge. Several students are
also in the gallery behind them. The sounds of
beep, beep, beep from the heart monitor, and the breathing from the
patients oxygen mask are a constant throughout
the scene]
DOCTOR: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's
internal organs. Nurse-- retractor.
(Kramer gets a box of candy out and pours a few into his hand and starts
to munch)
JERRY: What are you eating?
KRAMER: Junior Mints. Do you want one?
JERRY: No...
KRAMER: Now, I can't see..... Psst.... Psst...
(The entire surgical team stops and looks up at him. Kramer motions to a
nurse to get out of the way so he can see.)
KRAMER: ... Cou, ye, ge...
(The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and returns to the surgical
procedure)
KRAMER: Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them)
JERRY: Where'd you get those?
KRAMER: The machine. You want one?
JERRY: No.
KRAMER: Here, take one.
JERRY: I don't want one.
KRAMER: No, they're good! Take one..
JERRY: I don't want any!
KRAMER: Just take one.
JERRY: No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!
[As they struggle to force the Junior Mint on each other, Jerry pushes
Kramers' hand away and -- in slow motion with
the sound of a beating heart to emphasize the event -- The Junior Mint
is launched into the air towards the operating
table and, well, in a word: "Bingo" -- with a small "splat" sound --
falls into Roy, the patient. The surgical team looks
around puzzled as to what just happened -- but they continue on with the
operation)
[Jerry and Kramer look around at the other students and at each other in
amazement as to what just happened]
JERRY: (pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?
KRAMER: Ge--
(Camera fade to black with familiar Seinfeld music)
[Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the day's events to
George.]
JERRY: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the
patient!
GEORGE: What do you mean "into the patient"?
JERRY: Into the patient, *literally*!
GEORGE: Into the hole?
JERRY: Yes, the hole!
GEORGE: Didn't they notice it?
JERRY: No!
GEORGE: How could they not notice it?!?
JERRY: Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.
GEORGE: W-ca-What did they do?
JERRY: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
GEORGE: They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
JERRY: Yes!
GEORGE: I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those
things.
JERRY: Yes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in
their abdominal cavity!
[Intercom buzzes - Jerry answers it. George goes to the fridge]
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: It’s me.
JERRY: Come on up.
[Kramer enters with a sheet of the “wood” wallpaper]
KRAMER: Hey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski
lodge!
JERRY: Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the
mint!
KRAMER: Well, I didn't believe you.
JERRY: How could you not believe me?!?
KRAMER: Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's
peppermint-- it's *delicious*!
JERRY: That's true.
KRAMER: It's very refreshing!
JERRY: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...
[Elaine enters the apartment, looking forlorn and morose...]
ELAINE: Prognosis... negative.
JERRY: Prognosis *negative*!?
ELAINE: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're
baffled.
JERRY and KRAMER: Oh, my God...
ELAINE: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and
attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his
art. That would really lift his spirits.
GEORGE: It's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk)
ELAINE: Mmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom)
GEORGE: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth
something...
JERRY: We gotta confess.
KRAMER: Really?
JERRY: Yes!
KRAMER: We could be tried for murder...
JERRY: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb!
**
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
KRAMER: You're not gonna say anything, you got that?
JERRY: I'm telling and you can't stop me!
KRAMER: You're *not*!!!
(Elaine comes out of the bathroom -- just in time before Jerry and
Kramer resort to fisticuffs).
GEORGE: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars
worth.
[Kramer, Jerry and Elaine look at George like they can’t believe he
would do that. George raises a “toast” with his
glass of milk. He has a large sandwich in his other hand.]
[Later, at Jerry’s apartment, the Mystery Woman gives him a massage.]
JERRY: Oh yeah, that's the spot...
WOMAN: What're you so tense about?
JERRY: Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on
his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
WOMAN: What?
JERRY: Mulva?
WOMAN: Mulva?
JERRY: Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she’s a masseuse.
WOMAN: huh.
JERRY: Yeah.
WOMAN: Um, I'm going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.
JERRY: Oh, good idea...
(She walks into the bathroom and closes the door. Jerry gets up quickly
and opens her purse to look for an ID, but she
comes back suddenly, catching him with the open purse.)
WOMAN: What are you doing?
JERRY: Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint.
WOMAN: Oh, I have Junior Mints.
JERRY: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you,
nah...
(She turns and walks back into the bathroom taking her purse with her.)
(Stealthy Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER: Any news?
JERRY: [whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here.
KRAMER: Oh.
JERRY: Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name
of this woman in the bathroom, so when she
comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her
name.
KRAMER: 10-4.
JERRY: O.K. (closes the apartment door)
WOMAN: Oh, hello.
KRAMER: Hello, I'm Kramer.
WOMAN: Nice to meet you.
KRAMER: See you later. (He promptly turns and leaves)
WOMAN: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play.
(Grabs her coat.)
JERRY: Oh, okay.
WOMAN: Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage
and meet Olympia Dukakis.
JERRY: Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
WOMAN: Mm. Bye Jerry.
JERRY: Bye.
[They kiss. She turns and opens the door to leave. In the hallway,
George is just reaching for the door knob as she
opens the door. He has three more videos with him to watch at Jerry's --
the movie on top looks to be "Pretty Woman",
in which Jason Alexander plays an evil lawyer)
WOMAN: Oh, hi.
GEORGE: Oh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands)
WOMAN: Oh, Nice to meet you, George.
[She leaves]
GEORGE: Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any
word on the "artiste"? (puts a video in the VCR)
JERRY: No, I haven't heard anything.
GEORGE: Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)
JERRY: Really...
GEORGE: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.
JERRY: Yeah, I'm sure...
JERRY: Well, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what
happened.
GEORGE: No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
JERRY: Why?
GEORGE: Ehh, You could get in trouble.
JERRY: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
GEORGE: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number
is up, who are you to interfere!?
JERRY: Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's
condition...
GEORGE: W-What? What?
JERRY: Oh, that's *fantastic*!
GEORGE: He didn't get better, did he?
JERRY: Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!
GEORGE: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.
[Exterior of the Hospital then into Roy’s room. Roy is recovering with
a huge plate of spaghetti. Jerry, Elaine, Kramer
and George are visiting]
ROY: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to
get better. I'll never forget what’cha did for
me.
GEORGE: Oh, well th-that's great. It’s really great. Hm hm mm.
KRAMER: Y'know, art’s a great investment.
ELAINE: And they’re gonna look great in your apartment, George.
GEORGE: Yes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles.
Well, I'll ah, I’ll wait for you outside.
ROY: Hey, George...
GEORGE: Yeah.
(Roy puts his hand out -- George takes it, but Roy pulls him in and
kisses him on the cheek. George is a bit surprised
but does not let on -- he claps his other hand to Roy’s)
KRAMER: Awe, alright
JERRY: That’s nice.
GEORGE: Thanks Roy.
[George leaves as the Doctor enters the room]
ROY: Heeyy - there’s the guy who saved my life. (points at the doctor.)
DOCTOR: Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element
in your recovery but, I think there were
other factors at play here.
JERRY: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: I have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened
during the operation that staved off that
infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps, from above...
(Kramer reaches into his shirt pocket and takes out a box of Junior
mints -- he rattles it.)
KRAMER: Mint?
DOCTOR: Those can be very refreshing.
(Kramer shakes a couple of mints from the box into the doctor’s hand.
The doctor turns and exits.)
(Roy is thinking about Elaine while continuing to eating the giant plate
of spaghetti like an absolute pig.)
ROY: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday?
(takes a big mouthful of spaghetti)
ELAINE: Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the,
Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to
Jerry “the boyfriend”)
JERRY: I don't think so...
ELAINE: We are... that means that we ah, we are...
JERRY: I believe we're not...
ELAINE: (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go
to the Poconos?
JERRY: Well, I'll think about it...
[Exterior of Jerry’s apartment building then inside where Jerry and the
woman are talking...]
WOMAN: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.
JERRY: Really...
WOMAN: Uh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis
autographed my playbill.
JERRY: Oh, are you saying, you got her autograph?
WOMAN: Yeah.
JERRY: Do you have it with you?
WOMAN: Yeah, it's in my purse.
JERRY: Ah, Le’me see. (hands Jerry the playbill)
WOMAN: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.
(stands up, a quick kiss on the cheek and hugs him.)
WOMAN: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the
playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads
autograph] .....Joseph Puglia...
WOMAN: I had it autographed for my uncle.
JERRY: Yeah, I-I know...
WOMAN: (licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you?
JERRY: Yes I do.
WOMAN: What is it?
JERRY: It-it rhymes with a female body part.
WOMAN: What is it?
JERRY: Mulva...
(She turns and grabs her purse, playbill and coat and leaves the
apartment. Jerry follows)
JERRY: Aub, ah, Gipple?
(He stands in the open doorway and tries again)
JERRY: Loleola?
(Nope, obviously not. He closes the door and and goes to get something
out of the refrigerator, but before the fridge
light can even go on, a light goes on in Jerry's head and he rushes to
the window to catch the Mystery Woman before
she gets out of earshot.)
JERRY: Oh! Oh! *Delores*!
[Closing monologue.]
JERRY: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else.
Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in
the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that
you love. You know the ones “I love those... I
hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven
year old kid could actually taste the difference between
like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That’s two totally different
things when you're seven years old. "Well, your
red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it’s more of a mellower
flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.
The End
==================================================================
Footnotes: Really short bios:
Clara Barton
December 25, 1821 - April 12, 1912
served from 1881-1904 as the first president of the American Red Cross
organization (formed in 1881), she wrote the
American amendment to the Red Cross constitution, which provided for
disaster relief during peace time as well as war.
http://www.incwell.com/Biographies/Barton.html
Florence Nightingale
May 12, 1820 - August 13, 1910
Florence Nightingale is most remembered as a pioneer of nursing and a
reformer of hospital sanitation methods. For
most of her ninety years, Nightingale pushed for reform of the British
military health-care system and with that the
profession of nursing started to gain the respect it deserved.
http://education.yahoo.com/search/be?lb=t&p=url%3An/nightingale__florence
http://www.agnesscott.edu/lriddle/women/nitegale.htm
Susan B. Anthony
February 15, 1820 - March 13, 1906
In addition to many things, during her time she was the leading
proponent for the Woman Suffrage/Woman’s rights
movement.
http://www.mith2.umd.edu/WomensStudies/PictureGallery/anthony.html
http://womenshistory.about.com/library/bio/blanthony.htm
Leopold and Loeb
Among the criminal celebrities of Prohibition-era Chicago, not even Al
Capone was more notorious than two
well-educated and highly intelligent Jewish boys from wealthy South Side
families. In a meticulously planned murder
scheme disguised as a kidnapping, 19-year-old Nathan Leopold and
18-year-old Richard Loeb chose 14-year-old Bobby
Franks at random as their victim, abandoning his crumpled body in a
culvert before his parents had a chance to respond
to the ransom demand.
Leopold and Loeb - links
http://www.leopoldandloeb.com/
http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/leoploeb/LEOPOLD.HTM
http://www.lawbuzz.com/famous_trials/leopold/leopold_loeb.htm
http://www.unomaha.edu/~wwwphrel/leopold.htm
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